


24 Hours - Phan

by Art3misPlayerOne



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: BoyxBoy, Dan Howell - Freeform, Dan Howell/Phil Lester - Freeform, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Depressed Dan Howell, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love, M/M, POV Dan Howell, POV Phil Lester, Phanfiction, Sad Dan Howell, Sad Phil Lester, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, YouTube, YouTuber Dan Howell, YouTuber Phil Lester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2018-12-13 17:16:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 18,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11764641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Art3misPlayerOne/pseuds/Art3misPlayerOne
Summary: Living a life in the public eye is hard, but it becomes almost impossible when you have to pretend you aren't in love. There gets to be a point when friendship, secret glances, and fantasizing just aren't enough anymore.  So what do you do when your secret accidentally comes out and you realize the object of your love has been hiding a few things of their own?





	1. 11:00 am

Someone once told him that life is like a book. Just because one chapter is over doesn’t mean the book is finished. It’s just the start of a new chapter. The reason that stuck in his head after all of these years is because it’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard. His book has plenty of pages and chapters, but what he’s most concerned about right now is how the book is going to end. Phil doesn’t consider himself a sappy guy, but lately, all he can think about are fairy-tale endings. But if he ever wants to page through the previous chapters of his life, he’s apparently set.

Phil shakes his head and tries to regain his focus. He notices that the computer’s screen saver now bounces gently around the screen. He wonders how long he has been sitting here and letting his mind wander. This had become increasingly frequent over the last few months and he didn’t seem to be winning the battle this morning either. He had even made an effort to get up early and start on the growing number of videos piling up that had yet to be edited. A glance to the empty mug of tea on the desk reminds him that he had also planned to go downstairs for a refill about 30 minutes ago. He puts his hands behind his head, closes his eyes, and leans back in the office chair at a precarious angle. 

The computer room is relatively distraction free when compared to the rest of the London apartment he and Dan share. The big black desk is long enough for them to sit side by side in their office chairs. A large monitor sits perfectly centered, while numerous electrical cords and wires are stretched and tangled behind it. Various laptops sit balanced on the corner and a collection of speakers, batteries, and gaming mice are all shoved backward out of view of the video camera. The large filtered lights they use for filming downstairs are stored away in the far corner of the room by the window. A folded black futon sits against the wall immediately behind the chairs. Phil’s contribution to the room to counter Dan’s need for the color black is the string of Christmas lights along the top of the futon and the bright colorful Katamari pillow. The room may be simple, but it’s the location of almost everything they film. In case they ever needed a reminder of that, a huge wooden board with various stickers representing the long standing Dan vs Phil video series is leaning at an odd angle against the wall next to the futon. 

The rustling sound of movements downstairs snap Phil out of his daydreaming. His bright blue eyes pop open and his arms windmill frantically to keep himself from falling out of the half reclined office chair. In his struggle to remain upright, he knocks his empty mug and one of the laptops off of the desk. Somehow the falling laptop manages to sweep a container of pens and a pile of papers down with it. The pens hit the floor and scatter across the room. 

He groans when he hears Dan’s footsteps approach the bottom of the staircase.


	2. 11:30 am

“Phil? Is that you? What are you doing upstairs so early? It’s only 11:30” Dan’s disembodied voice floats up the stairs. 

“Just working,” Phil yells back as he scrambles to right the mess he made while flailing about. Is it really 11:30 already? he thought. That means he’s been pondering life in front of the computer for 2 hours. He also realizes he hasn’t even started editing the first video yet. How is he going to explain that? 

Phil can hear bare feet padding up the stairs and Dan soon appears in the doorway. 

“Working??” Dan squawks in a high pitched voice. “How long have you been awake?” he says in disbelief.

Phil looks up and tries hard to suppress a smile. He never gets tired of seeing Dan right after he wakes up. Dan is standing indignity in the doorway with one hand on his hip and the other holding an overly full bowl of cereal. His black sweatpants and t-shirt, now soaking up splashes of milk that have sloshed out of the bowl, are rumpled from sleep. Ever since he had made the decision to embrace his naturally wavy hair instead of painstakingly straightening it every day, it now sticks out in bizarre angles and tufts when he gets out of bed. 

“Only about 20 minutes. I haven’t even had a chance to get started yet.” He feels bad for the lie, and he blushes slightly thinking about his two hours of marathon daydreaming. He glances at the computer and the folders filled with hours and hours of unedited videos waiting for him. 

“Phil, why are there pens all over the place?” he asks curiously as he steps further into the room.

“Oh…I’m not sure….” He struggles for a plausible reason why there are now a dozen or so pens scattered around when they were clearly not like that last night when they were up here filming. 

As he stammers and stalls, Dan walks over and plops himself down in the other chair, spilling more cereal in the process. He spins the chair around to face Phil and props his feet up on the edge of Phil’s chair, almost in his lap. 

“What else are you doing today?” Dan asks through mouthfuls of cereal, as he leans in closer to the computer and grabs the mouse. 

“Oh..ummm….the market maybe,” Phil answers, suddenly aware of Dan’s close proximity. “A live stream tonight. You?”

Giving a noncommittal shrug, Dan idly opens and closes some files and moves some things around on the desktop. “Do you know what’s going to be ready to upload today?” he asks, nodding at the computer. 

“Probably the last Sims and My Horse Prince,” Phil answers. I hope. 

Dan puts his cereal bowl down and laughs with his hands covering his face. “I don’t know what more we can do with Horse Prince and not have it get any more disturbing.”

“It’s all about context,” answers Phil. “Compared to the rest of the internet it’s not so bad.”

“She’s in love with a horse, Phil!”

“But he has a human head!” Phil answers.

“That isn’t helping your case,” he says with a wink.

Dan pulls his feet down and stands, heading towards the stairs. “Let me know when you’re finished,” he yells over his shoulder. “I have new anime if you want to watch it together.” 

Phil startles when he realizes that while they were talking, he had automatically laid his hand down on Dan’s leg without even thinking about it. He flops back into his chair with a sigh.


	3. 12:00 pm

Alone again, Phil lets out a small groan and lays his head down on the desk. He closes his eyes and, in the quiet of the upstairs room, allows the daydreams and thoughts that have been plaguing him all morning to slowly creep back into his head. It’s like being stuck between two lives. One is imperfect but still amazing. The other, the one responsible for his current distress, is now the only one he can picture himself living in anymore. He has constructed every scenario possible involving the two of them. His stomach churns painfully with the realization that he is going to have to pick an outcome and attempt to make it happen. He finally admits to himself what he knew all along, but was too afraid to accept it: He loves Dan. 

His fantasy life is seeping into his real life with increasing speed. It was fine at first when he was just admiring the way Dan looks. An extra peek here and there when Dan would come out of the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist, a lingering look when he was concentrating and chewing on his bottom lip. After all, who wouldn’t? The once solid platonic dividing line between the two is now blurry and unsure of itself. For the first time in 10 years, Phil feels the weight of time pressing down on him.

He lifts his head from the desk and stares blankly ahead at the computer screen. He glances sideways at the empty seat and the void that Dan left behind after he worked his way back down the steps. Without thinking, he reaches out and lays his hand on the still warm place on the once occupied chair. With his decision made, his head is clear or the first time in quite a while. Apparently, making life altering decisions does wonders for your concentration he thinks miserably. He turns his attention back to the computer. He clicks on the first video and their faces suddenly fill the screen.

By this time in his YouTube career, Phil can practically edit their videos with his eyes closed. What used to be a painstakingly slow process, is now second nature. But this time, he’s looking for something specific in their videos. He feels sort of foolish and leans over to push the door almost all the way shut, not wanting to get caught. He hits play and leans back in the chair again to watch the raw footage from their last Sims 4 recording. 

Over the years, he has seen thousands of comments about the way Dan supposedly looks at him. He’s always just brushed them off and never cared enough to notice if the fans were correct or not, but recently, it has started to matter to him. A lot. He had never breached the subject with Dan, partially because Dan would always just brush it off when someone brought up ‘heart-eyed Howell’ during one of the live shows. But what if there was some truth to it?

He had to know.


	4. 1:00 pm

Downstairs, Dan wedges himself into his usual spot on the couch with his laptop. He chews on his bottom lip as he scrolls quickly through the comments on his last video, only catching a few words as he goes. Years ago when he first started his channel, he logged on constantly to monitor his view numbers and comments, if there even were any. What started out as a whim to make connections with people, well, with one person in particular, had turned into some sort of weird minor internet fame, which he wrongly assumed was only temporary. Of course, the only thing he had really wanted to begin with was to meet Amazing Phil. He just never asked for everything that came along with it.

Just when they became acclimated to this strange new life, it exploded into pandemonium. Friendly posts had turned into marriage proposals and aggressive messages. Some of it bordered on obsession. It was sort of amusing at first, and then to his shock and horror, ‘phan’ was born. It was like all of these strangers somehow knew what was going on in his head. Each innocent touch and glance they made was caught on camera and then analyzed and discussed ad nauseam. And shortly after, the deluge of fanfiction and Tumblr posts began. He had nervously and cautiously kept an eye on Phil to see his reaction to the tsunami of smut they now found themselves wading through. 

Part of him is glad that it doesn’t bother Phil or make him uncomfortable, but another part of him is disappointed. Dan thought that it may open the door to the possibility of their platonic branding turning into something more. Any time he gingerly brings it up, Phil just laughs and waves him away. How can it not be on his mind at all when it is all Dan seems to think about anymore? 

‘Does it really not affect him?’ Dan thinks. How could it not? Surely he’ll eventually say something, right? But he never does. Dan feels a wave of embarrassment wash over him. What would Phil think if he ever found out that every now and then he would read some of it? At first, it was just out of curiosity. I mean seriously…how could 15-year-old girls be that graphic? Shortly after that, the stories provided him with a weird sort of comfort. Every now and then, when he can’t escape the thoughts racing through his head long enough to find sleep at night or needs a distraction, he’ll pull up one of the sites on his phone and page through the stories. After a while, he would drift off with satiating thoughts of what it would be like if Phil was wrapped around him in his bed.

“Dan? Are you sleeping sitting up on the couch? Why are your eyes closed?” Phil questions as he pokes his head into the room.

Jolted from his thoughts, Dan slams his laptop shut and hastily moves it further up on his lap. Too embarrassed to look at him, he turns his head and pretends to be searching for something on the bookcase. 

“I was just thinking,’ he says in what he prays is a normal voice. He continues his fake perusal of the huge assortment of video games and anime figures until he’s sure that Phil has backed out of the room. 

He glances over his shoulder at the empty doorway and exhales a huge breath. He lays his head back on the couch cushions, silently chastising himself for being so careless. He had already made the decision years ago that this couldn’t happen. The risk was too great. Even if he made his feelings known, and by some small miracle Phil even remotely felt the same way, he would never let anything happen. If it didn’t work out, who would he have then? He would never survive being alone again.


	5. 2:00 pm

Dan sits motionless, waiting for his racing heart to slow down. He can hear cabinets opening and closing in the kitchen and the clink of something glass. Now the refrigerator is opening and the sound of its contents being loudly rearranged drifts into the room. 

He takes another deep breath and follows the sounds. 

He casually leans against the doorframe and crosses his arms across his chest as he observes Phil dismantling the kitchen. 

“What are you even doing, Phil?” 

“I’m going to the market and I need to see what we already have,” he responds smartly.

Dan can’t help but grin. “And you feel this is the best strategy?” he questions and raises an eyebrow. 

Phil continues his rummaging, pausing every now and then to scribble something on his list. “Want to come with me, Dan?” his muffled voice calls from halfway inside of the freezer.

“No, I think I’ll let you handle this outing,” he responds while stifling laughter. He crosses the kitchen and examines the illegible list in Phil’s scratchy handwriting. “Well,” he thinks, “at least he can read it.” He adds an item to the bottom of the list. 

“Are you sure? We can get a coffee on the way back. The new fall flavors are out!”

“I’m sure. I need to get a few things done,” Dan answers. He watches Phil struggle trying to get everything back into the pantry. He turns away and walks out of the kitchen smiling and shaking his head. 

Dan hears footsteps skipping down the steps and the front door opening and then slamming shut. He looks around the kitchen, taking note of how empty and quiet it feels without Phil. He pulls out a chair at the kitchen table and flops down in it, putting his elbows on the table and covering his face with his hands. 

“You’ve got to get a hold of yourself,” he mutters softly to the empty kitchen. “You’re getting hard sitting on the couch thinking of dirty fanfiction and he’s in the kitchen taking inventory of cereal and snacks.”

He reminds himself of the silence surrounding him right now. As much as he loves Phil, Dan knows that the consequence of letting his true feelings be known is exactly this: emptiness. If Phil finds out, then that’s the end of everything he has right now. The apartment, the YouTube channels, and most importantly, his best friend. 

He stands up and starts to pace around the kitchen, running his hands through his hair. “So what if we’re never in a relationship?” he says firmly to the deserted kitchen. “Look at everything you have. Stop being greedy. This is fine. This is great. This is enough.”

Dan walks out of the living room with purpose, looking for a distraction to help him refocus. He spots the Wii and settles down on the floor in front of the TV to play some Mario Kart, trying to not think about how much more fun it is to have someone to play against.


	6. 3:00 pm

Phil wanders around the market with a basket in one hand and his crumpled list in the other. He grabs a bag of sugar off of the shelf and adds it to the already heavy basket. He spots bags of marshmallows and throws one in as well. He consults the list one final time when he notices that Dan had added ‘cereal that Phil won’t eat’. 

“That doesn’t cover much,” he says to himself as he heads to the cereal aisle. After much contemplation, he grabs a box of plain Rice Crispies for Dan and a box of Frosted Flakes for himself. He balances the bulky basket and dodges a few of the small children darting through the aisle. 

He really wishes Dan would have wanted to go with him today. There is something about the two of them doing something so domestic together that makes him happy. Sure, the public appearances and traveling together to promote their YouTube channel are fun, but it’s the day to day normal living activities that Phil loves so much. Maybe it was such a guilty pleasure because he knew that’s as close to being a regular couple as they would ever be.

He gets in line and when it’s his turn, starts taking things out of his basket. He sighs sadly as he watches all of his purchases get rung up: the ingredients for the stir fry Dan likes for Phil to cook for him, Ribena, Dan’s favorite cookies and crisps. 

As he’s waiting for the checker to finish, his thoughts wander back to what Dan said earlier. Phil’s just not buying his ‘I need to get a few things done’ excuse. Dan’s ability to procrastinate is matched by no one, so Phil starts wondering why he really didn’t want to come along. Maybe he didn’t like running errands together for the exact same reasons Phil did like doing them together. The platonic branding is so important to Dan, maybe he doesn’t want to be seen doing such domestic activities in public?

He pays for his things and lugs the bags out of the market and walks next door to the coffee shop. He glances around as he waits in the queue for his turn. Why does it always seem like everyone is part of a couple? Surely that wasn’t the case, he thinks, but his surroundings seem to be proving him wrong today. 

There is an older couple at the front of the line debating if the pastries in the case are fresh. A husband and wife are at a nearby table trying to drink their coffees while keeping them out of the reach of a frantic toddler. The men in front of him have their arms linked together while they trade knowing looks at each other. 

Could we ever be like that?

Phil sighs somberly and focuses on the menu board even though he always gets the same thing. As the men in front pay for their coffee and move aside, he steps up and orders a Venti iced caramel macchiato with whipped cream. 

Waiting for the drink, he tries to give himself a pep talk. He has a wonderful life, a great job, and fantastic supportive family. And most of all, he has his best friend Dan. Wanting more would put the best parts of his life at risk. No, this is enough.


	7. 4:00 pm

“Dan!” Phil shouts, standing outside of the front door. “Dan, come help me!”

He tries to lean against the buzzer, but the button doesn’t push. He shifts the awkward bags and tries to balance his large iced coffee drink. He tries kicking the front door with his shoe instead.

“Daaaan!” he yells louder, kicking the door again.

The door swings open while he’s mid-kick, causing Phil to stumble into the flat and directly into an unsuspecting Dan. Without thinking, Dan puts up his arms and catches him around the chest, preventing Phil from falling and hitting the floor. The sudden stop causes him to drop all of the grocery bags and they promptly spill all of their contents on the landing at the bottom of the steps.

In shock with his mouth hanging open, Dan stands with his arms around an unbalanced Phil and stares in disbelief at the boxes, containers, and bags piled up around them on the floor.

“I’m back,” Phil says cheerfully, still clutching his sweet coffee drink. “And look! I didn’t spill it!” he says, holding it up triumphantly and taking a drink from the straw. “Dan, are you alright?” he asks after finally noticing the look on Dan’s face.

“What just happened? I don’t understand what just happened,” Dan replies, still standing frozen in place.

“I bought more than I planned. I couldn’t reach into my pocket to get my keys because it would throw me off balance and make me drop the bags or my drink so I needed you to let me in.”

“It was a rhetorical question, Phil. I literally just witnessed the whole thing.”

“Oh, right.”

Dan finally drags his eyes off of the mess and looks toward Phil, now reasonably balanced, but still in his arms. Phil continues to babble about the store and the coffee shop. Dan starts to chew on his bottom lip as he realizes how close their faces are. His eyes trace over his face and perfect skin. He’s close enough that he can see the gold flecks in his deep blue eyes. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He smells like a mixture of shampoo and Starbucks. It feels so perfect and natural to be holding him like this.

Suddenly, he startles and realizes that it’s quiet again. At some point, Phil had finished rambling and Dan hadn’t even noticed. He shakes himself out of the daydream and opens his eyes, which immediately find Phil’s lips. After a few seconds, he pulls his gaze off of his mouth and focuses on his eyes again, which are now giving him a questioning look. Dan shudders as he feels all of his blood rush either to his cheeks or head much further south.

“Oh….um…sorry,” Dan stammers, feeling the hot blush wash over his face. He reluctantly drops his arms from Phil who now has his footing. “I guess we need to get this stuff upstairs. Are you OK?” He busies himself reloading the bags, ducking his head low to hide his embarrassment.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m pretty much used to falling and dropping things by now,” he jokes, now kneeling next to Dan gathering up some boxes. Thank you for helping me,” he adds.

“You’re welcome,” Dan says quickly as he stands with two handfuls of bags and bounds up the stairs. He shoves the bags onto the counter and bolts out of the kitchen before Phil can even make it up the steps. He crosses the hall and into his room, closing the door and leaning up against it. His eyes shut and he starts taking deep breaths until his heart slows down to a normal pace. On the other side of the door, he can hear Phil in the kitchen putting all of the groceries away.

“Get a hold of yourself,” he whispers, voice quivering.


	8. 5:00 pm

Dan sits cross-legged in the center of Phil’s blue and green blanketed bed, watching him adjust the computer and make sure the webcam is ready. Dan has managed to compose himself after about 30 minutes alone in his room. He’s tempted to lay down on the bed, but he knows that will only lead to more of the thoughts he’s currently trying to get rid of. He seems to have more of these moments lately and is running out of plausible excuses for why he keeps awkwardly leaving rooms.

“Are you staying for my show?” Phil asks.

“I’ll come back in in a bit for a cameo,” Dan jokes, stretching out his arms and legs in front of him. Glancing distractedly at Dan on his bed, Phil grabs his phone and sends out a tweet announcing his live stream. The viewers always go crazy when they film anything where they’re both sitting on the same bed, and frankly, so does he. 

He turns back to his computer to get started, but before he realizes what’s going on, Dan leans over to the desk and snatches the almost empty coffee drink that Phil brought back from his shopping trip. 

“Wait…give that back!” Phil commands.

Dan puts the straw in his mouth and starts to suck up the whipped cream from the bottom of the plastic cup. Phil tries in desperation to grab the cup but Dan puts his hand on Phil’s chest and holds the cup out of his reach while laughing. 

“The whipped cream is the best part! I saved it for last!”

“Nope,” Dan says stubbornly.

He pulls his hand back suddenly causing Phil to lose his balance and fall forward onto the bed. Dan tries to scoot out of the way but Phil grabs him by the ankle and pulls him back. He attempts to grab the cup, but Dan is squirming too much and he still can’t reach it. Without thinking, he sits down on Dan’s back, pinning him to the bed on his stomach. Laughing and unable to get away, Dan dips his finger into the remaining whipped cream and flicks it over his shoulder at him. 

Phil stills when he realizes the position they’re in. “You win,” he says quickly, scrambling off of Dan and moving to the other side of the bed. Dan finishes off the drink with a smile and walks towards the door. Still on the bed, Phil rolls over on his stomach and quietly watches him. 

“I owe you one!” Dan calls back as he walks into the hallway. 

Phil lays motionless for another minute staring after him. He finally quietly crawls out of bed and plops down in the chair to start his live-stream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say hello and thank you for reading! Is everyone liking it so far?


	9. 6:00 pm

Dan slips into his room and flicks off the light switch, closing the door after him. Crossing to the window, he pushes aside the curtains and slides it up as far as it will go. The room remains slightly illuminated by the streetlights and the surrounding buildings reflect a dark blood red as if they were trying to wring out the last bit of light from the lowering sun.

He can hear a muffled version of Phil’s animated voice coming from the shared wall between their bedrooms. Unfolding his tall frame on top of the black comforter on his bed, his eyes close and a soft smile spreads across his face. The cool London air seeps into the room and envelopes him. He concentrates on the rise and fall of the familiar voice and he wonders how many evenings he has spent over the past years just like this, laying in his room listening to Phil. There aren’t very many other places he would rather be than right here. It feels like home.

He reaches down to the floor next to the bed and gropes around until his hand finds his laptop. He opens it with a snap and the glow from the screen lights up his face in the almost dark room. A pang of guilt jolts through him and he has the same internal debate he always does whenever he does this. He’s well aware it walks the narrow line between romanticism and creepy, but maybe doing this will get it out of his system and make everything easier for him in the long run. And really, what’s it harming anyway? It’s just more of a guilty pleasure than anything else.

Thinking better of it, he sighs and starts to close the laptop, but then after a short pause opens it again. He takes a deep breath and after clicking through several levels of files and folders, he gets to the one he’s looking for but then hesitates. He groans and lets his head fall back against the pillows. How can something feel so good and so bad at the same time? He’d feel more at ease looking at porn in a public place than doing what he’s doing right now in the privacy of his own bedroom. After a quick glance at the shut door, he opens the folder marked ‘financial’. Finance was the most boring thing he could think of, so it made a great name for an obscure folder in case it was ever spotted by curious eyes. He checks the time and makes a silent promise to himself that he’ll stop after 15 minutes and then go next door for a quick appearance on the live stream with Phil. Yes, that is the reasonable and sane thing to do.

He opens the folder and slowly starts going through the photographs. Some of them are everyday moments taken with their cell phones, others are from the fancy digital camera they always take on trips, and some are just screenshots from videos they’ve made over the years. The light from the laptop flickers over his face as, one by one, the memories float across the screen in front of him. He understands why all of the ‘ships’ exist. They really do look like a couple despite all of the planning and effort that goes into the platonic branding. As time passes, the moments captured in these pictures have become his own version of the truth. As ashamed of it as he is, he can’t help looking at them and pretending that he and Phil are something they aren’t. Instead of a friendly vacation to Singapore, he imagines they were on a romantic getaway. Rather than a work trip to the United States, he fantasizes that they scouted for a wedding location.

As the sound of Phil’s voice fills his head and the thoughts of the past take on a life of their own in his imagination, his eyes slowly droop and eventually close. He drifts off into a peaceful sleep, dreaming of a raven haired boy with baby blue eyes…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for what comes next???? Brace yourself! :)


	10. 7:00 pm

The door of Dan’s bedroom is suddenly flung open and Phil, oblivious to Dan’s sleeping form, walks into the room. “Dan! Where were you? I thought you were going to come over for part of the live show?” he says playfully. 

Dan, still stretched out on his bed jolts awake. His eyes fly open and with a startled gasp, he fumbles for his computer and instinctively snaps it shut. 

“Dan? That is the second time you’ve done that today. What are you looking at?”

He sits up quickly and throws his legs over the far side of the bed facing the wall. Disoriented, he sees the time on his phone and realizes he fell asleep. A paralyzing fear races through his body, his pulse throbs in his ears. He ducks his head to hide the flush creeping up his neck. 

Silence fills the room. The curtains soundlessly flutter from a soft breeze coming in through the open window. Phil stands in the doorway with a confused look on his face. He walks over to the nightstand and clicks on a small light, illuminating Dan’s back, hunched over and facing away from him.

“Dan?” Phil questions again, his cheerfulness diminishing. “Something is wrong. Tell me what is going on so I can help.”

The silence is finally broken by a soft strangled sob. Dan’s body trembles as he holds the closed laptop firmly against his chest. He has never wanted to disappear more than he does at this very moment. His mind races as he tries to figure out what to do and say. He knows he can make up an excuse about why he was looking at photos on the off chance Phil saw what he was doing, but he can’t lie away how he feels anymore. His head feels like it is slowly unraveling.

“Dan,” he says a third time when he still doesn’t answer. “You’re starting to scare me,” Phil adds softly as he cautiously walks further into the dimly lit room. He slowly sits down on the edge of the bed next to Dan, who looks away from him. A narrow stream of moonlight filters in and lights a small square on the floor between them.

Concerned about Dan’s refusal to talk, or even look at him for that matter, he keeps trying to coax some information out of him. 

“Are you hurt? Or sick?”

“No,” Dan says dismissively.

“Is your family OK?”

“Yes, of course,” he answers quickly. “You know I’d tell you if something happened at home.”

“Well, what won’t you tell me then? Clearly, there’s something you can’t talk about all of a sudden,” Phil pleads.

All of a sudden. If he only knew, thinks Dan.

A thought abruptly occurs to Phil and it makes him feel physically ill, but it makes sense. Dan keeps hiding his computer and sometimes even his phone. He distances himself and has even started being secretive, randomly closing himself up in his room. Is he dating someone and keeping it from him? The speculation feels like a knife in the heart. Even if he can’t be with Dan the way he wants, at least he’s never had to experience seeing him with someone else. He tries to stomp down the sickening images running through his head. There’s no way he’s going to be able to walk out of this room without finding out what’s going on. Not now. He takes a deep breath and tries again.

“Whatever has happened, I can help,” Phil insists. He scoots closer to him and reaches his hand up and gently lays it on Dan’s still shaking shoulder. He flinches as a reaction to the touch, but Phil tightens his fingers so Dan can’t pull away. 

“I…I can’t,” Dan stammers softly. 

“It can’t be as bad as you’re making it out to be,” Phil says reassuringly, hoping he’s correct and that it’s not nearly as bad as what’s going through his own head right now. As an afterthought, he tries to reach past Dan and gently tug the laptop out of his grasp. 

Dan tightens his grip. He lifts his head and looks into Phil’s clear blue eyes, now filled with a strange combination of concern and fear. His heart tightens and tears threaten to spill past his thick lashes. “I’m so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. If maybe we could…could just forget about all of this….”

Confusion clouds Phil’s face. “Forget about what? I don’t understand!”

“You’re going to hate me.”

“I could never hate you, Dan. I just want to help….I’m worried.”

Dan feels like he is backed into a corner. He wracks his brain again trying to figure out a plausible explanation for his behavior, but as true panic sets in, he comes up with nothing. He can feel Phil’s expectant eyes on him, waiting for him to say or do something. His heart is pounding and his head is spinning. Is this it? Is this how he loses his best friend?

He takes a deep breath. He loosens his grip on the computer and holds it out to Phil without looking at him. 

With a perplexed look on his face and his eyes still on Dan, he wordlessly takes it.


	11. 7:30 pm

Dan sits on the edge of the bed, frozen. He looks wordlessly down at the small patch of moonlight with his watery eyes.

Phil stares at him for a minute, and then turns his attention to the computer sitting on his lap. Part of him wants to do exactly what Dan suggested, to just forget about all of this, but he can’t, especially not now that the fear that Dan might be dating someone is lodged in his head. That’s his worst case scenario. As long as it’s anything other than that, he can handle whatever has happened.

He opens it and the screen flickers to life and what he sees surprises him.

A photo of them from 6 years ago fills the screen. Phil grins at the memory. He remembers it well. They had gone to the beach that day. The wind had whipped wildly though their then long and shaggy hair. They were both out of breath after running through the shallow sea water and they had their arms around each other to keep from tripping and falling into the sand. 

He glances over at Dan, still smiling. “We had such a good time that day! It was so windy we ended up having to eat our picnic in the car so it didn’t all blow away. I don’t understand why you think I would be mad because of this photo.” His face falls slightly when he sees that Dan has his eyes tightly clenched shut, salty tears dripping onto his shirt.

He clicks again and another photo appears. This one, a screenshot from one of their videos. They are grasping at each other and are both doubled over in laughter. He tries to find something unusual or upsetting about it, but can’t. It looks like a scene that could have been taken from any of their videos. He’s confused as to why Dan would have made this screen shot at all, more less kept it.

Click. Another screen shot of them huddled together in the dark while filming a horror game. He grins as he remembers Dan falling out of his office chair. Dan had begged him to edit that part out, but he refused. He would never admit it to Dan in a million years but that was probably his favorite video they’ve ever filmed for that reason alone. 

Click. A screen shot of them covered in flour and looking at each other with raised eyebrows during a cooking video. Those cookies tasted ok, but they sure were hideous looking. It also took longer to clean up the mess in the kitchen than it took to both shop for the ingredients and bake them combined. 

Click. A photo of them sitting on the floor smiling and putting together a piece of furniture in their first apartment together. This one he remembers clearly because he has a copy of it as well. That was one of the best days of his life because they had finally moved in together. Neither one of them had furniture other than their mattresses and dressers. Even after they pooled their money, they could still only afford a few pieces of cheap fake wood furniture and a used couch. He lingered on that one, smiling at the good memory. He glances up at Dan to see if he’s smiling too, but he’s still motionless with his eyes tightly shut. 

Click…click…click…

Click. A screen shot of them sitting upstairs at the desk in front of the computer, just as they had done hundreds of times. He frowns slightly.

What was he missing? Why would he save this?

His eyes slowly trace over the screen. He was wearing a button-up navy blue shirt. Dan was wearing his trademark black. They were smiling and looking at each other. His eye catches on something at the bottom of the picture. 

Dan’s hand was sitting on the desk with Phil’s hand casually over it. It almost looked like they were….

Phil freezes.

Click…click…click…. He pages through the pictures quickly now, assessing each one. 

Understanding dawns across his face. He has seen photographs similar to this one, but they were never saved or posted by either one of them. In fact, they’re all over the internet. Fans scour online for photographs from public appearances or their videos trying to catch little moments that when looked at from certain angles, would appear as though they were holding hands or showing some sort of physical affection for each other. It was part of a constant quest to ‘out’ them. 

Phil’s heart starts to pound in his chest. This isn’t possible. Dan has to be upset about something else having to do with these photos and he’s just not seeing it. It’s probably just coincidence that these few pictures look like that. He is simply seeing things he wants to see.

How many pictures like this are there?

He backs out of the full sized photos so he can see them lined up as thumbnails. He scrolls down to the bottom. His eyes widen as he looks at the number. 842.


	12. 8:30 pm

Phil lowers the computer down to the floor. Everything feels like it’s moving in slow motion.

He combs through his memories from the past several years. Searching, he tries to recall specific moments. From each casual touch, all the way back to their very first meeting, everything they had said and done, it all had new meaning. He imagines Dan thinking of him that entire time. Just like Phil had been thinking of him. 

Is this real? he wonders. And what am I going to do? Do I act on this? Surely if Dan wanted something to happen between the two of them he would have said something, right?

A heavy, thick silence settles over them as they sit side by side on the edge of the bed. 

With his decision made, Phil shifts sideways and looks at Dan, who’s eyes are open now but still glistening with tears in the darkness. Completely exposed, Dan shyly catches his gaze and quickly glances away, like he’s waiting for the world to crash down on top of him. Phil’s hand cautiously reaches out towards him and touches the side of Dan’s face, turning it back towards him. With his fingers in Dan’s hair, Phil’s thumb caresses his cheek, wiping away the last of the remaining salty tears, hating the fact that he’s in such pain. Dan’s eyes widen and look back at him with an incredulous look on his face. 

“Aren’t you mad?” Dan whispers.

Nervous, Phil debates what to do next, not trusting his own judgment. What if he’s wrong?

Leaning in slightly, Phil’s lips part and their breaths mingle. His heart flutters as he draws Dan’s face closer to his. They pause, looking into each other’s eyes. Phil swallows and holds his breath, waiting to see if Dan pulls away, giving him every opportunity to stop. His eyes search Dan’s and he slowly closes the space between them even further, his lips drawing near. 

“If you want me to not do this, you need to tell me now,” Phil says quietly. “It can’t be undone.” Dan pauses but says nothing, his eyes flickering down to Phil’s mouth.

Their lips finally meet, gently, carefully, the moment they both had dreamed of in their own way for so long. Dan places his other hand tentatively on Phil’s waist, drawing them even deeper into the kiss. As they part, Dan’s eyes sparkle and his lips curve up into a shy smile. He bites his bottom lip and looks away, a red blush darkening his cheeks. Phil can't help but smile back at his sudden bashfulness.

Even after years of secret longings and stolen looks, they are completely unprepared for the amount of desire that comes with that first touch. They are overcome with both relief and lust. The intoxication is instant. Phil leans in again and softly kisses down Dan's neck. He lets out little whimpers and buries his fingers in Phil’s hair. Phil lifts his hands and caresses the sides of Dan’s face as their lips began to move in perfect sync, slowly, cautiously. Quickly, the once soft and gentle kisses grow more urgent and demanding.

“Is this really happening?” Dan asks, pulling away just enough to take in a gasp of air. “After all this time?”

Phil just gives him one of his crooked smiles as his answer, still running his hands lovingly all over Dan. He had imagined this a million times, but the reality of what Dan’s perfect skin and lips feel like is far better than any dream he’s ever had about this very moment.

Dan connects their lips again, a little more roughly this time, drawing a low groan out of Phil. He responds by knotting his fists in Dan’s black t-shirt and breaking their embrace just long enough to tug it over his head. Dan’s head falls back and he moans softly as Phil lightly slides his hands over Dan’s bare chest and then work their way to his lower back, grasping him and pulling him even closer. Their lips greedily find each other again. 

Still on the edge of the bed, Dan rises slightly and sits on Phil’s lap, straddling him with his legs tucked under on either side of him. He leans forward and captures Phil’s mouth in a sweet kiss, lightly nibbling on his bottom lip as he pulls away. Phil responds by groaning Dan’s name and trying to recapture the kiss. Dan leans back slightly with a small grin and shakes his head side to side. His fingers start loosening the top button of Phil’s shirt, slowly working his way down, button by button. He pushes the shirt back and slowly slides it down Phil’s arms. As Phil leans forward desperate for another kiss, Dan puts his hands on Phil’s bare chest and firmly pushes him back so he is laying down on the bed with Dan still straddling him. He reaches forward and intertwines his fingers with Phil’s, pinning his hands firmly on the bed.

Phil feels completely overwhelmed with the feeling of their bare skin now touching. Dan’s lips are on his neck, gently working their way down. They pause at his collarbone where he takes a quick nip with his teeth to see how Phil reacts. He smiles into Phil’s neck as he responds by gasping and pushing his hips upward against Dan. 

Phil struggles to free his hands, but they are firmly held down by his weight. Still grinning, Dan brushes a feather-lite kiss on Phil’s lips. He returns to his upper chest and nuzzles him sweetly before he ever so slowly lightly bites his way onto Phil’s bare chest, pausing to suck purple bruises along the way. Phil groans softly, low in his throat. Dan lightly places his tongue in the hollow of Phil’s neck and licks a lazy trail up to his ear. The sensation of Dan’s firm tongue on his body completely undoes Phil. He struggles and finally breaks his hands free, circling his arms around Dan, and roughly pulling him down. He rolls over on top of him, their limbs tangling together while still passionately kissing, his fingers needfully undoing the button and zipper on Dan’s black jeans, trying to tug them down over his narrow hips…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eek! Was that the chapter everyone was waiting for?? Hope it was worth the wait!


	13. 11:00 pm

After hours pass, they finally break away from each other, panting to catch their breath and glistening with sweat. Phil runs his fingers through his damp black hair and stares up at the ceiling, not even trying to hide his grin. 

Dan reaches over and rests his hand on Phil’s stomach. Phil entwines their fingers together and lifts them up to his mouth, kissing the back of Dan’s hand softly. Feeling exhausted and exhilarated at the same time, he’s still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that he’s lying almost naked in Dan’s bed. How many times had he pictured this?

“Sooooo……..” Dan draws out, stifling a giggle. 

“Ummm…yeah…..” Phil stammers back, blushing.

They look at each other for a moment and then break out into fresh giggles.

“Oh god. Could two people be more awkward? I mean, who laughs after that?” Dan questions, pulling his hand away and playfully swatting at Phil. 

“Apparently us,” deadpans Phil. “At least we weren’t awkward during. I don’t think…..” His words turn into a soft moan. 

He looks down at Dan who has quietly changed positions and is now trailing kisses across Phil’s bare stomach. Phil reaches down and runs his fingers through Dan’s sweaty wavy hair. Dan slowly kisses up his chest and neck, stretching out on top of Phil’s long body. Dan captures his mouth in a deep kiss. Phil wraps his arms around Dan and rolls him over next to him. They nuzzle gently and trade small, light kisses with each other. 

“I was so scared, Phil,” Dan says quietly.

“Why were you scared, bear,” Phil says with a frown. 

“I thought you would be mad when you saw all of those pictures. I know it was crazy thing to do, but I just…” he trails off. 

Phil reaches out and strokes his cheek with his thumb to reassure him. “You’re not crazy. All of this has crossed my mind more than once too, you know.”

“It has?” Dan asks, surprised.

Phil’s mouth falls open. “Are you serious? Oh my god, Dan, since the day we met. You really didn’t know?”

Dan shakes his head side to side, still wearing a shocked expression. “I just figured you knew I had feelings for you but you just never acknowledged it because you weren’t interested in me in that way. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me so I just tried to accept that we were only going to be friends and thought maybe the feelings would go away over time.”

Now it’s Phil’s turn to sit in astonishment, letting Dan’s words sink in slowly before a big grin spreads across his face.

“What’s so funny?” Dan asks, raising an eyebrow.

“So I take it they didn’t go away then?”

“We’re laying here in our underwear. What do you think?” he answers with a wink.

In the now silent room, heads on pillows, they scoot slightly apart and gaze into each other’s eyes. Phil desperately wants to ask him what all of this means. Are they dating now? Are they officially a couple? And as much as he wants answers to these questions, he also wants to just enjoy this moment. He’s completely entranced with every little thing about Dan, lips puffy and pink from kissing, the way his dimple appears when he smiles, the way he pushes his curly brown hair back. It’s all just as amazing as he imagined it would be and he doesn’t want to miss anything. And the best part of all is that he can just reach over and touch and kiss him. He doesn’t have to just steal glances or dream about what it would be like anymore. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Phil murmurs into his ear.

“Phil,” Dan says, embarrassed and looking away.

“I mean it, Dan,” Phil says, waiting for him to look back towards him again. “I’ve never been able to keep my eyes off of you.”

Dan looks at him shyly and leans in and gives him a soft lingering kiss before settling back down on his pillow.

Still in just their boxer briefs, Phil yawns and snuggles up closer, his arms wrapped tightly around Dan’s waist with their legs intertwined. He’s always dreamed about not only what it would be like to fall asleep next to Dan like this, but also wake up next to him the day after. And now that he has him, he never wants to let go.

“I’m so happy, Dan,” Phil whispers as he fades into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still many chapters to go....thank you for getting this far with me!!
> 
> Also, I just posted a *new* Phan story! It's called 'Float On' and will be a fairly short one with about 6-7 parts.
> 
> Come check it out if you're interested! https://archiveofourown.org/works/11979651/chapters/27096228


	14. 1:30 am

Phil wakes up suddenly, slightly disoriented when he realizes he’s not in his bedroom. He smiles and stretches as all the memories from a few hours ago fill his head and he realizes he’s in Dan’s room. He’s always wanted to know what it would feel like to wake up in here. A wave of peacefulness washes over him. Feeling a little chilly from the open window, he reaches down for the comforter, long since pushed off the bed, and grabs it off the floor and turns to pull some of it over Dan.

He stares at the empty spot on the bed and frowns, disappointed. Figuring he probably just went to go get a drink, he lays back down and waits alone in the quiet room. 

Fifteen minutes pass and he starts to grow restless. The bedroom door is open, yet he can’t hear Dan in the kitchen or bathroom. He watches for a light to turn on or off somewhere in the apartment, but it never happens. He grabs one of the discarded t-shirts off of the floor and slips it on as he quietly ventures out of the bedroom to find Dan. Trying not to overthink, he pushes down a feeling of dread as he walks past his own empty bedroom and the unlit kitchen. He glances at Dan’s usual spot on the couch in the darkened living room, but just as he’s ready to walk away a movement catches his eye.

Dan is standing almost completely still in front of one of the windows with his arms crossed, his silhouette illuminated by the bright streetlight directly outside of their flat. Phil’s heart skips a beat and he pauses in the doorway, just taking a moment to look at him. He is still wearing only his boxer briefs as he leans against the window frame, looking down at the street below. To him, Dan always has and always will be absolute perfection.

Relieved, Phil says his name softly as he approaches him in the darkened room. He wraps his arms around Dan’s waist from behind, pressing his chest against Dan’s bare back and laying his head down on his shoulder. Still silent, Dan reaches his hand up and caresses Phil’s cheek. At Dan’s touch, he is enveloped by a feeling of contentment. 

“What are you doing in here?” Phil asks tenderly.

“Just watching the people and thinking,” he absently whispers. 

“You look like you’re deep in thought.”

“Sort of, I guess. I couldn’t sleep.”

Phil is a little surprised as he remembers how easily he fell asleep laying tangled up with Dan in his bed. It was the first time in months that his brain hadn’t gone into overdrive as soon as everything was quiet and dark. It’s like his head and heart didn’t have any questions or worries anymore. Everything had been answered and he had nothing else to worry about. He doesn’t say anything as he waits for Dan to continue.

“I was just thinking that each one of those people down there has their own world that we know nothing about. Their reality is completely different than ours. Are they happy? Do they like their lives? Do they have family and friends or are they alone?”

Phil frowns slightly. “I’d like to think that the answer to all of those things is ‘yes’. I know I feel very lucky to have them all.” Something isn’t right and it’s starting to make him feel a little uneasy. “You know,” he adds, “you have all of those things too. Plus, we have each other and that’s not something that’s going to change.” He doesn’t dare take his eyes off of Dan as he stares blankly out of the window. He’s seen Dan get like this plenty of times before, but the timing is worrying him. He stands quietly behind him, debating what he should do, hoping that this melancholy mood is just a coincidence.

“Come back to bed,” Phil whispers, giving his neck a light kiss. “I missed you when I woke up and you were gone.” He lays more soft kisses in a row down his shoulder before he takes Dan’s hand and tries to pull him backwards towards the bedroom. When Dan doesn’t move, Phil looks back at him, confused. 

Dan drops his head and then turns around towards Phil. 

When Dan finally meets Phil’s eyes, Phil’s stomach sinks when he sees the look on his face. Something is very very wrong. 

“Dan…..” he says cautiously.

“I can’t, Phil…I’m so sorry but I just can’t….”

No...no….no….


	15. 2:00 am

“Dan,” Phil ventures softly. “It’s Ok…. everything is going to be fine. I know things will be different at first, but it’s going to be so unbelievable,” he says, the words tumbling out of his mouth quickly. “I know that you want this, you said so yourself.”

He steps forward and cups Dan’s cheek in his hand. “Please come back to bed. To our bed. We can talk and work through things when we wake up.” He brushes a kiss across Dan’s lips. He doesn’t respond at first, but then his eyes grow heavy and Phil attempts another soft lingering kiss. He can feel all the tension run out of Dan’s body. “It will be ok,” Phil whispers.

Dan finally gives in and returns the kiss, but then suddenly turns his head and twists out of Phil’s embrace. 

“If we stop now, we can still go back. We can pretend last night didn’t happen, that it was nothing. I just can’t bear the thought of this ending!”

“It’s not possible for me to pretend last night didn’t happen. It definitely meant something for the both of us, so it really hurts that you would even suggest that it was nothing! I just don’t understand why you think it has to end at all,” questions Phil forcefully. 

“Every relationship I’ve ever been in has had a clear end date on it,” Dan pleads. “It’s like falling in love starts some sort of timer. This can’t end. It just can’t! Even if it means pretending for the rest of my life that it is less than what it is, I can’t spend each day waiting to find out how it’s going to end this time. We have an amazing life together. I was completely alone before that first video. I turned on that camera in a desperate attempt to make something permanent in my life…something that would keep me afloat. And that is exactly what happened. I found you. You are the something solid that my life is built around and I won’t let you take that away!” he shouts.

Dan steps back suddenly and sucks in a breath. One hand comes up and covers his mouth in surprise at his own words and his other grasps the wall as if he were trying to keep from falling. 

“Dan,” Phil responds soothingly, “Why do you think I would take anything away from you? I want this so bad! I would never leave you no matter what!”

Silence fills the room. 

Dan looks up at Phil and pleads softly, “You haven’t thought this through…”.

“You haven’t thought this through?” Phil says, bewildered and with his anger sparking. “You haven’t thought this through?” he repeats even louder and more forcefully. “Dan, how can you even say something like that? Do you really think this is something I just came up with all of a sudden? It’s all I’ve been thinking about since the day I met you!” he says in astonishment. “It’s always been you. Always.”

Dan opens his mouth to respond but stills at the last comment. Wait, what?

Phil runs his hand through his black hair in confusion and starts pacing back and forth across the room, alternately staring up at the ceiling and then back down at the floor. Dan stands frozen in place, his only movements are his eyes cautiously following Phil around the room. 

Frustrated, Phil slaps the wall loudly and storms out of the living room back towards the bedroom again. Dan sprints down the hall after him. “Please…just listen to me!”

Phil angrily turns on the light and sifts through the clothing on the floor until he finds his jeans. He yanks them on over his legs and then continues looking around until he finds his keys. 

“Are you leaving?” Dan cries. “You can’t just leave like this! Please try to understand!”

“Do you know what I understand?” Phil asks fiercely. “I understand that we have been together for almost 9 years. How many people have I dated in that time, Dan? None! After I met you, no one else even had a chance of being good enough. Didn’t you ever wonder why I wasn’t with anyone else in all that time?”

“And do you know what my biggest fear was?” he continues in frustration. “It wasn’t of being alone. It was that you would meet someone and I would have to stand by and watch someone else get to love you when I’ve loved you in silence this entire time!”

Dan opens his mouth to talk, but Phil’s words hang heavily in the air between them, rendering him speechless.

“You don’t get to touch me and kiss me the way you did and then just decide to take it all back! There are some things you just don’t get to do!” Phil yells at him while fighting back tears. 

Dan flinches, Phil’s last statement feeling like a punch to the gut.

Phil pushes past him and heads towards the front door.

“Don’t go,” Dan pleads as Phil starts down the stairs. “Please…don't go!” he loudly repeats, panicking as he runs forward and grabs Phil’s arm. Phil hesitates at the feel of Dan’s hand grasping him and tugging him backward. He can feel the tears welling up in his eyes and threatening to spill over. He can tell from the sound of Dan’s voice that he is already in tears. Phil briefly puts his hand on top of Dan’s. “Please,’ Dan begs him once again. 

“If I don’t have you, what do I even have here anymore?” Phil asks cruelly.

He pulls his arm away and continues down the stairs. With Dan’s sobs growing louder behind him, he opens the door and steps out into the crisp London night air.


	16. 3:00 am

_**Phil's POV:** _

I furiously slam the door behind me and blindly run down the nearly empty city sidewalks, slowing only to look for cars. I’m so angry that I just left, desperate to get away from him and everything he was saying. After I’m a few blocks away from our flat, I finally have to stop, gasping and heaving for air, taking big breaths and trying to calm my burning lungs

I look around, attempting to get my bearings, not quite sure what direction I ran in or where I’ve ended up. The bright lights from our busy street have given way, and now I’m engulfed by the inky darkness of a residential neighborhood, which honestly seems sort of appropriate all things considered. I didn’t have a destination in mind when I left. I just knew I couldn’t stay there and look at him when I felt so hurt and betrayed. 

I briefly debate going to a friend’s house so I could have someone to talk to, but what would I say? It turns out that Dan and I have had feelings for each other for years and an hour after something physical happened between us he told me we should forget it ever happened? I snort and shake my head at how ridiculous it sounds even to me. Plus, I didn’t need someone telling me that I wasted all of that time just sitting around pining over him. Friends had tried to fix me up with people for years and I had turned down every offer, staying true to Dan. The thought of being with anyone else made me feel like I was cheating on him. 

As I walk down the quiet sidewalk, my initial anger finally starts to drain away in the blackness surrounding me and is replaced by resentment. I feel a pang of guilt for leaving Dan behind like that. The look on his face when he begged me to stay was almost enough to make me give in, but I wasn’t in the proper mindset to even try to listen to him right now. How could I fix his emotional breakdown when I couldn’t even handle my own? He was just going to have to figure this one out on his own instead of depending on me like he usually does. In my mind, I start replaying how everything had unfolded, trying to figure out where things went wrong. 

I was so terrified earlier when I thought that he was dating someone else. It felt like my world was ending and I would have given anything at that point for it to be anything but that. I was ready to put my heart on the line and confess all of my feelings if it meant that I never had to see him with someone else. Everything changed when I saw what was in that folder and knew that he had spent all that time saving those photos and screen shots, going through and looking at them over and over, I just couldn’t believe it was happening. Did I make the right decision by letting him know I felt the same way? Should I have waited? 

Part of me feels like a complete idiot. I was lying in bed thinking we were finally a couple and wondering how we were going to tell people, and he was apparently already having regrets. If he didn’t want this why didn’t he just stop me when I gave him a chance? How could I have been so stupid to think that he wanted me the way I wanted him? But that’s the thing, he did kiss me back. What happened tonight was definitely not one sided. I just don’t understand why he wants to pretend it didn’t happen.

If I had done nothing, would I have regretted it for the rest of my life? 

Yes. 

That first kiss….my god that kiss! At that moment I needed it more than I needed air to breathe. For years I had wondered how that would feel. I don’t know how it’s even possible that it was better than anything that I had ever imagined. Even now, my heart still feels drunk with his kiss. His smell, his taste, the way he felt in my arms and pulled me to him, what if I never experience that again? If I don’t, is that worse than never getting a chance to experience it at all?

I stop walking and stand in the middle of the sidewalk, looking back in the direction I just came from. Despite what happened and how devastated I am right now, I still feel a pull to go back to him. He’s like a magnet that’s always drawing me in. Maybe I should go back and see how he is, confident that he’s hurting almost as much as I am right now and hating the thought that he’s alone. Dan hates being alone for any length of time. I always know when I’ve been gone longer than around three hours because he starts texting to see when I’m coming back home. Anytime I go to visit my family and he’s not able to go, he holes himself up in the apartment and pouts, calling and texting me almost constantly just to see what I’m doing. 

With a sigh, I turn and continue walking, getting further away from the apartment with each step. My head is spinning and I need some time to think before I can face him. The pain has been mildly dulled by distance, but it’s still firmly there, prodding at me to relive everything that was said tonight. 

And what’s he going to do when I come back home?


	17. 4:00 am

_**Dan POV:** _

As soon as he was gone, I slid down the wall and landed solidly on the wood floor. Barely having moved since then, I cradle my face in my hands and sob until I’m empty and left gulping for air. Even an hour after he walked out, the finality of Phil slamming the door is still cruelly echoing around the apartment.

After a few minutes, I struggle up, brushing away the tears, and scramble to the living room window in desperation, hoping to see Phil coming back or just sitting on the front stoop. He isn’t there. I look both ways down the street, but he’s gone. If I could see him or know what direction he went, I could run after him and fix this. He never stays upset with anyone for very long and I know I can make him understand. Frantically, I start looking for my cell phone, tossing through the couch pillows and random objects that always seem to get abandon in the living room. Finding it, I take a deep breath and look at the screen, willing a text or call notification from Phil to be there, but there’s nothing. I quickly call him, but it goes straight to voicemail. I listen to his entire cheerful voicemail greeting instructing me to leave a message before I disconnect and call back, not expecting a different result but needing to hear his voice again.

On a whim, I cram my feet into my shoes and search for my keys. Locating them on the coffee table, I flail down the front steps and open the door. I make it out to the front step before I stop, reconsidering my actions. I start to think about what would happen if Phil came home to an empty apartment while I was out looking for him. What if he only comes home long enough to pack a bag? It wouldn’t do any good to leave a note for him to find, plus, it may be my only chance to talk to him. I strain and peer into the darkness, praying to see his familiar shape walking down the sidewalk before slowly turning around and climbing back up the apartment stairs. Ironically, I take my spot back at the same window I was looking out just a few short hours earlier when Phil got out of bed to find me. Sighing, I put my hands over my face, letting the tears flow down my cheeks again. I think back to waking up and untangling myself from Phil’s arms and how he smiled and murmured my name in his sleep. I’ve dreamed of him being in my bed for so many years, how could I have ever walked away from that no matter how scared I was? I’d give anything to have those arms around me again right now.

_Nothing._ I laugh in disgust at my own words that are coming back to haunt me: “We can pretend last night didn’t happen….that it was _nothing_.” Those horrible words feel like they are still hanging over me and following me around. This is my punishment for having said them, I guess. My stomach twists violently. I don’t know why I said that or did what I did. I’m furious at myself for even implying that every second spent with Phil was anything other than perfect. And what happened last night wasn’t nothing. In fact, it was everything I ever wanted. So what’s wrong with me that I have to screw up everything in my life that is good? It’s like my brain is programmed to self-sabotage my own happiness.

It was my fault that I let such an intimate moment suddenly make us strangers.

But were we ever really strangers? I'm not sure we were. That day I first saw him online, there was something even then, though I didn't understand what exactly. It was enough that it was worth the risk of humiliation to send someone I didn’t know a fan email gushing about how incredible his videos were. I remember waiting anxiously for a response even though I didn’t expect one, and then felling elated when he finally did. Everything after that was a blur of emails, phone calls, and visits. It felt like my life had finally begun after waiting for 17 years. If we’re strangers now, it is quickly becoming clear that my actions and words are to blame.

I walk back into my bedroom searching for my abandon shirt. I stand in the doorway, the room entirely lit by the moonlight now. It’s like last night is frozen in front of me. The laptop is still on the floor in the same place where Phil set it down. My own t-shirt and jeans are still crumpled on the floor. The comforter is half on the bed. The sheets had been pulled loose of the mattress at some point. The two pillows are in the center, squished up next to each other. What I wouldn’t give to reverse time by a few hours and be back in that bed with him. When I woke up scared, I wouldn’t wander off and let my anxiety get the better of me, and I would wake him up to talk instead. Feeling lost, I lay down on the side of the bed he had slept on, but it already smells like Phil even though he was only there for a short time which somehow makes me feel even worse.

Not being able to bare the memories in the room, I quickly climb back out of bed and gather up my shirt and pants, but leave everything else untouched. It almost seems wrong to disturb it. Like it would erase all physical evidence that last night ever happened.

I should have said yes. The fear that I felt earlier now seems childish and small, insignificant when compared to the love I saw he had for me. When he figured out what the photos were really about, when he pressed his lips to mine for the first time, and certainly when he came in the living room to bring me back to bed, the answer should have always been yes.

I start rhythmically pacing from one room to the next. There’s nothing left to do but wait.

Oh God. I’ve made a huge mistake….

 


	18. 5:00 am

**Phil POV:**

I try to clear my head as I walk, but Dan never leaves my mind, he's always there. And if I’m going to be totally honest, he has been since the day we met. Sometimes it's just incomprehensible to me that it’s possible to have such a mental and physical need for someone. In a world filled with chaos, he's the one stable thing that I so desperately need in my life. I’ve been in love with him for years, and I can’t believe I’ve only just realized to what great extent. It’s no longer something I can tuck away and ignore or pretend it doesn’t exist. I refuse to believe that he actually wants us to forget what happened last night. He couldn’t have meant it. I saw the pictures that he had been saving of the two of us, and those aren’t the actions of someone who wants to forget. Those are the actions of someone in love.

I smile as I think back to all of the daydreams I’ve had about him over the years. Daydreams are such an odd combination of fantasy and nightmare. It’s fantasy because you get a chance to get a glimpse of what life would be like if all your dreams come true, but whenever you wake up, you’re stuck with the reality that none of it may ever happen. Sometimes the daydreams leave me feeling so hopeless. Unrequited love is by far the worst kind of love. It makes you destroy yourself from the inside out.  Maybe today proves that.

I’m still in shock over all of those pictures he saved of us together. Over time, Dan has managed to make his own reality out of memories from the past nine years. But am I any different? I’ve done the same thing, just in other ways. Every unoccupied minute has been spent imagining us in different scenarios: being a couple, holding hands and being affectionate in public, sharing the same bed. What happened tonight didn’t change any of that. In fact, it made me want it even more because it was all almost within reach instead of just a distant dream. It was positively cruel of him to give me everything I’ve ever wanted and then take it back. The fact that he wants us to forget it ever happened just adds insult to injury.

The insecure part of me feels like I’ve done something wrong for him to change his mind like that. I gave him the option to stop before we kissed, but he didn’t take it. Does that mean that he didn’t like everything that happened after that point? Is it possible he was disappointed with the physical side of things? That would be beyond embarrassing, especially since I thought the entire experience was more phenomenal that I even thought possible.

I sit down on a bench for a quick break, physically and emotionally exhausted. All around me, the houses are mostly dark at this hour except for a few, including the one directly across from me where the curtains are open in a large window on the second floor of an old brick building. A woman walks up to the window and looks out onto the street below, swaying back and forth. I squint a little bit and realize that she’s holding a baby all bundled up in blankets. She starts moving again, slowly pacing across the room trying to soothe the baby and presumably get it back to sleep. Her steady movements are almost hypnotic, and I start to wonder to myself how that baby is still awake since it seems to be making me sleepy from all the way across the street. She stops suddenly knocking me out of my trance. A man is in the room now and is approaching her to take the baby. She kisses him on the cheek and disappears from view before he starts walking in the same pattern as she did.

Feeling tearful all of a sudden, I look away and instead concentrate on my shoes and the sidewalk. I never really pictured us with kids, but I did picture us as being a family someday. The assumption was that in the end, we would end up together. Married even. I’d be lying if I said there was never a wedding in some of those daydreams I’ve had over the years. I thought that maybe we were ready for a breakthrough right after we moved into our new apartment. We made a video and he mentioned that this wasn’t our ‘forever home’ yet and he didn’t take out his comment when he did the editing. I hinted around and waited for him to say something more about it, but he never did. I wanted so badly to ask him if our ‘forever home’ involved a shared bedroom, but stupid me for thinking maybe he was ready to pave the way for us to start a relationship and eventually come out. I’ve been waiting for signs he might see me as anything other than just a best friend for years now. Every now and then it would seem as if he was alluding to something, but nothing would ever come of it. Just wishful thinking on my part I guess.

There have been so many of those ‘is this it’ moments over the years. A few months back we were sitting in the living room in the dark watching Netflix and I fell asleep while sitting up on the couch. When I woke up in the middle of the night, Dan was curled into my side and almost on my lap with his face nuzzled into my neck. My body was aching from sleeping in that position, but I was terrified to move and wake him up and have the moment be over. My arm was draped over the back of the couch, so I nonchalantly let it slide down so it was around Dan as if I was holding his body to mine. That could have naturally happened, right? I was trying to figure out if I should wake him like this or slip out from underneath him when he stirred and burrowed his face in even further, causing his lips to rest on my neck. I swear my eyes rolled back into my head when I felt that. I started thinking that if maybe if I leaned in his direction a little bit he would reflexively kiss my neck, but that’s when I ungracefully leaped up, causing Dan to tip and land flat on the couch, startling him awake. Enjoying the snuggling was one thing, but trying to manipulate him into an accidental kiss while he was sleeping was another. I definitely draw the line at that.

I feel like I’m full of questions, but have no answers. The biggest problem, of course, is what will happen if Dan stands his ground and still wants us to pretend that last night didn’t happen. That is the one thing I can’t do. I refuse to try to disregard something that I never want to forget. I’ve always had hope to carry me along. He’s never flat out said that he had no interest in any kind of relationship with me other than totally platonic, so what’s going to happen if he says that now? I’m not sure how to live a life where there’s no hope of being with Dan.

But even now, just as I have ever since I met him, I carry an overly idealistic view of our friendship and its potential for something more. Despite what happened tonight and even as I wander the streets by myself, I still have an irrational hope that I’ll come home and he’ll tell me he loves me and this deep but quiet love I’ve carried for so long won’t have been in vain.

I silently sit on the bench with my head bowed, alone as London slumbers around me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone hanging on OK through all of the angst?? It will be worth it in the end....I promise!
> 
> As a side note, I finished up Float On a few days ago (if you haven't read it, go check it out for a quick Phan fix!) and we're almost to the end of 24 Hours, so I'm trying to decide what to start writing next! If you have any ideas or requests, comment and let me know!!! I'm open to anything: one-shots, short stories, novel, a continuation of a current story, etc.


	19. 6:00 am

**Dan POV:**

I refuse to let sleep happen. I’ve been restlessly pacing around for so long now that I’ve lost any sense of time. It feels like he’s been gone for a lifetime already. How long have I been doing this? Hours maybe? But I can’t stop. If I stop moving, that means I’ve given up hope that he’s coming back home, and that’s not something I’m willing to do. I keep walking from room to room to room obsessively, only stopping long enough on my pass through the living room to look out of the window to search for his familiar form. I need him to be home and I’m holding on to a tiny sliver of hope for dear life.

As I’m walking, I rehearse in my mind what I want to say to him when he gets back. Being scared was no excuse to break his heart like that. The look on his face when I told him to pretend last night didn’t happen will stick with me the rest of my life and the feeling of regret is overpowering. I want to be with him forever. He’s my universal constant and I don’t want that to change. No matter how scary this is for both of us, I need for him to know that I’m committed to him. And now all I have to do is wait for him so I can tell him all of this. Of course, I’m going to have to get him to listen to me, which he may refuse to do. If he does, I guess I can’t blame him. 

Feeling dizzy and sick, I stumble in the hallway and grab onto the wall to keep from falling on the floor. I stand still for a minute before I regain my balance and I’m able to let go and make my way back to the living room. Physically and mentally unable to keep moving, I finally collapse on the couch. My head is throbbing and my eyes are so swollen I can hardly see anymore. There are little crescent-shaped marks on my palms from clenching my fists while I walked. The sun has already started to creep into the room, bringing with it an overwhelming sense of dread and the knowledge that he’s been gone all night. Where is he??

The possibilities of where he might be right now flood into my head and none of them are good options. I try to imagine him walking around alone and grief-stricken and it breaks my heart into a million pieces. I make a mental list of all of our friends and try to figure out who he may have gone to for consolation. If he would have shown up at a friend’s house, wouldn’t they have at least texted me to tell me he was ok? But there are potentially worse alternatives than that. What if he went to someone for comfort and they took advantage of the situation? A tormenting image of Phil kissing someone the way he kissed me last night sends a wave of nausea tearing through me. Is it possible he’s in someone else’s bed right now? 

It’s strange and frightening how you can go from not knowing someone even exists, to then loving them so utterly and completely that you wonder how it ever was that you were able to live without them in the first place. Because I certainly can’t imagine being alone and without Phil now. I want and need him in every sense of the word. Until we met, I led a life filled with nothing significant. Everything I did, said and experienced left me feeling half alive. I dated a little bit, but to be honest, none of them made me feel anything. When they eventually left me, I felt nothing but indifference towards both them and the breakup. And then there was Phil, and suddenly the world around me had meaning and a purpose. He was my purpose. It’s one thing to have someone leave you, but it’s an entirely different thing when someone like Phil does it. You don’t recover from something like that. He is that person that comes along once in a lifetime if you’re lucky. 

I had that, but yet here I am.

Alone.

Not only am I alone, but there is also now the very real possibility that I’ll be left behind. After what I did, surely he won’t choose to stay here. The thought of roaming around in their half-empty flat with all of those memories floating around causes me both physical and mental pain. I wouldn’t have any choice but to move. I could never make another video without him, so that would be gone too. My past, present, and future are out there somewhere. What is he thinking? Does he even want to come back? There are so many things I still need to say to him.

I curl up on the couch in a ball and close my eyes. I concentrate on every little sound in the flat. I listen desperately for the rattle of a key in the front door, but all I hear is dripping from the leaky kitchen faucet and the occasional creak from the floor in the flat next door. Every noise seems magnified and almost ominous. I frantically stuff down the fresh sobs that are threatening to start again, knowing that if I cry, I might miss hearing him open the front door. Everything around me is wrong. Nothing feels, looks, or sounds as it should. Maybe this is what it feels like to lose your mind. 

I force my eyes back open so sleep won’t drag me under. Through my blurry vision, my eyes travel around the room, landing on all of our video games, books, and DVDs. There is no ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ in this apartment. In fact, everything has been ‘ours’ for many years now. A feeling of realization washes through my head. I understand now what I've been missing. I got scared last night because I thought I would be a failure at everything that being in a relationship entails. What I failed to see, is that Phil and I have been in a relationship all along and the physical part of it was just the last piece to fall into place. Intimacy wasn’t just about sex, it was about making him a bowl of cereal in the morning, washing his favorite hoodie so it would be clean, and even letting him win at Mario Kart sometimes. It was the times he made my bed, always left me the last cookie in the package, and made sure I never ran out of my favorite shampoo. The intimacy, love, and commitment were there along, seamlessly woven into our thoughts and everyday lives. 

I need to tell him all of this. I need another chance.

Phil never gets angry like this. Now and then he’ll get upset, but after a short time, he’s always back to his usual cheerful self. He’s been gone for hours, and the longer he’s gone, the less hope I have that he’s coming back. 

Please come home…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting so close to the end! I've gotten so emotionally attached to this book while writing and I'm really sad for it to be over! :(


	20. 7:00 am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for Katelyn J and all of the readers who survived the angst-filled POV chapters :)

Phil tries to shake away his thoughts and glances up at his surroundings, surprised at how far he has walked. Home is less than a block away now, and he can see the white painted door that leads upstairs to their flat. Around him, everything is familiar and filled with memories again, which is both comforting and terrifying at the same time. Each step leads him a little closer to the moment of truth that will either lead them to an ending or a beginning. 

He stands motionless on the stoop in front of the door. He looks up to see that the windows on the second floor of the narrow brick building are still open from the evening before. A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. Dan always insisted on having them open at night. He says it makes him feel less guilty for staying inside all day. They’re usually closed by now, which makes him wonder if Dan is even there. That thought feels like a twenty-pound weight has just been lowered onto his shoulders. He never actually gave serious thought about the possibility that Dan wouldn’t be here when he got back. Of course, he wasn’t planning on wandering around London all night by himself either. Maybe Dan is back in bed and sleeping. Phil has a fleeting thought about just crawling back in bed with him and pretending the argument never happened. He had been avoiding his phone all night, but he takes out of his pocket to see if maybe Dan has called or texted, but he sighs when he sees that it’s dead. 

But right now, this is happening. It is real. He prays that Dan is still on the other side of that door. Phil puts his hands on either side of the doorway and leans forward, his eyes closed, until his forehead touches the rough wood. He can feel and hear the people on the busy London sidewalk behind him, oblivious to his inner turmoil. Their voices blend, snippets of conversation about jobs and families drift his way. At this moment, even though his life is on pause, theirs continue seamlessly. His tall, still figure balances in the doorway, somehow remaining unseen to them. But isn’t that what everyone wants in the end? He thinks. To really be seen by someone? To be loved?

After one more deep breath, he reaches forward, puts his key in the lock, turns the scuffed brass doorknob, and slowly pushes open the door with a shaking hand. The steep stairway looms in front of him. Holding the railing, he puts his foot on the first wooden stair and starts his long ascent. Miraculously, he makes it to the top without a creaking step making his return home known. The staircase opens up into the far corner of the living room, so when he quietly steps in, his presence still goes momentarily unnoticed by the boy curled up in a ball in the middle of the brown couch. 

Relief floods Phil’s entire body, making his knees feel all wobbly. Dan is still here. He stands in the doorway and observes him discreetly, just as he has learned to do over time. Even after nine years, each time Phil looks at him, he’s completely unprepared for the emotions he feels. Despite the black clothes and his now internet-famous existential crises and dark soul, Dan is his sun. In one way or another, he will always orbit around him. The fact that Dan is completely oblivious to that fact makes Phil just want to pull his wobbly orbit in a little closer. He is the satellite to Dan’s burning star and needs him even to exist.

As Phil shifts his weight, a slight creak from the floorboards catches Dan’s attention and his eyes immediately snap open. Seeing Phil standing across the room, he unfolds from his spot on the couch and noiselessly stands, struggling to keep his balance. His eyes search Phil’s face in quiet intensity, trying to read his thoughts and intentions, bracing himself for the possibility that his world is getting ready to crash down around him and shatter in pieces. He rehearsed all night what he would say to Phil when he got back, but now that he’s standing ten feet away, Dan seems to have lost all of the planned words along with his bravery. With a weary gaze, Dan takes a single cautious step forward out of the shadows and then stops almost as if he’s rethinking his actions. He squints and looks away as the morning light creeps in through the window and illuminates his face. 

Phil feels a pang in his heart as his eyes take in Dan. At that moment, all of the worries and doubts that plagued him in the doorway flee his mind like scared birds. Seeing Dan in the daylight causes the tears to start to pool in Phil’s eyes, threatening to spill over. The pained look Dan wears tells Phil the real depth of the wounds they inflicted on each other last night. His once perfect skin is mottled and tear stained. Sorrow and a deep hollowness surround him like a thick fog. But despite all of this, somehow he’s even more beautiful by virtue of his suffering. A wave of guilt and shame washes over Phil as he realizes all of Dan’s pain is due to his actions and selfishness. He feels horrible having left Dan like that despite him begging Phil to stay and he tries not to wonder how close Dan had become to being completely consumed by his sorrow during the night while he was gone. Seeing him makes Phil understand that he was mistaken in his thinking that some answer about their future could be found while wandering around the streets of London by himself in the middle of the night. 

Before Phil can say anything, Dan silently walks toward him, stopping about a foot away from where Phil is standing. His chaotic brown eyes drop to the floor between them and it’s all Phil can do to keep from grabbing him and pulling him into an embrace. Dan trembles as he carefully picks his words. 

“It’s not enough anymore.” 

He says it so quietly that Phil questions if the words really left his lips. 

“Ever since you kissed me, what we had before isn’t enough.” He lifts his eyes to find Phil’s again. “We can’t go back, and I don’t want to. I’m not perfect, Phil, but I love you and want to be with you if you’ll still have me,” he says softly.


	21. 8:00 am

I love you.

Phil’s world narrows down to those three words. Hearing them come out of Dan’s mouth makes him feel like he’s slipping into one of his endless daydreams and he wants to ask him to say it again just to make sure this is happening. Dan loves him. He doesn’t want to move or breath, but just stand there and let those long-awaited words sink in. How many times had he fantasized about this moment? His blue eyes search Dan’s face, and he knows he’s telling the truth. He completely breaks down in front of Dan, his legs becoming wobbly and tears spilling down his cheeks as he throws his arms around him.

“I love you too, Dan. I can’t even begin to tell you how much,” he says softly.

Phil has no idea how long they stood like that, with Dan cradling him against his chest. He only knows that he doesn’t want him to let go. Phil holds onto him like his life depends on it. 

“I’m scared,” Dan murmurs to him, still not relaxing his hold. “I’m really scared about all of this.”

“I am too,” Phil answers gently, “but it will be ok. I promise you.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

Dan pulls back a little bit and hesitates, lowering his eyes back down to the floor. “Were you with someone else last night?” he finally asks, the words spilling out quickly.

“Is that what you thought I was doing?” Phil asks in amazement. “Regardless of how mad I was when I left last night, I still love you. I could never be with someone else, especially out of anger. It’s always been you, Dan. There’s no one else.” 

He can feel Dan’s body relax next to him.

“Then where did you go last night when you left?” Dan asks through sniffles. 

“Well, to be honest, I’m not sure. I just started walking and ended up in a neighborhood I’ve never been in before. I was just so mad, Dan. It killed me to walk away from you like that, but I just needed some time to cool off and think about what’s going to happen next.” 

“So what did you decide?” 

“It’s not just up to me to make that decision on my own. Dan, last night was the best and worst night of my life. I can’t even tell you how happy I was when I made the connection between all of those photos on your laptop because, at that moment, I knew that you were thinking of me in the same way I was thinking of you. I thought that this was finally it after all of these years. Proof that you saw me as something more than just a friend, that you wanted me to be more than just your roommate.”

“But I’ve always wanted that!” Dan says with pleading eyes. “You were never just a roommate to me!”

“Then why did you get out of bed last night?” Phil asks, sadness starting to creep back into his voice. “Why did you tell me we should forget it ever happened? I’ve never felt lonelier in my entire life. While I was walking around, I stopped in a neighborhood and sat on a bench for a while. Across the street, a man and woman were standing in one of the windows and they were trying to get their baby to go back to sleep. That’s what I want for us, Dan. To be a family. I want us to get married someday and buy a forever-home. Instead, I was sitting by myself in a strange neighborhood in the middle of the night, avoiding going back home because I was too scared about what was going to happen when I got there.”

“You want all of those things with me? Even after what I did?”

“Yes, more than anything. I thought that’s what last night was. The beginning of our lives as a couple. I just don’t understand why you changed your mind.”

“I’m so sorry,” Dan says, starting to sob again. “I could never act like last night meant nothing to me and I should never have asked you to pretend it didn’t mean anything to you either. I was so stupid for saying that. Do you know what I did while you were gone? I just paced around waiting for you. I was too scared to fall asleep because I didn’t want to miss getting a chance to apologize in case you only came back to pack your things and leave. I hate myself for what I did, Phil. This entire thing is my fault. How can you possibly still want me?” 

Phil holds him a little tighter, feeling Dan’s tears on his neck as he nuzzles in closer. “You really want to know how I could still want you?” he asks, bewildered. “I was completely and undeniably yours when your face appeared on that first skype call. You smiled and said my name, and there was no going back for me at that point. You were this perfect combination of shy, awkward, and funny, completely unlike anyone I’d ever met before. You still are.”

“This isn’t all your fault,” Phil continues. “I never should’ve walked out the door when you asked me to stay. I knew you were upset, but I was just so hurt. Dan, you need to tell me right now what you want and don’t say that you need to think about it. We’ve both had years to do that. You either want this or you don’t. If you don’t want us to have a romantic relationship and just keep things as they are, I’ll be disappointed but I’ll accept your decision. I’m not going anywhere, and to be honest, I don’t think I can. If friendship is all you can give me, then I’ll gladly accept it. I still want a life with you.” 

Dan thinks back to all of the years they’ve wasted, both too scared to tell each other the truth because they were terrified of losing what they already had. He finally had his chance and completely messed it up. He doesn’t want to lose any more time.

Phil feels the graze of Dan’s lips against his neck. He closes his eyes as the warmth rolls through his body and his willpower drains away. He shakes his head and regains his composure, pulling away and untangling himself from Dan’s arms. 

“Dan, I need an answer before anything else can happen. I asked you before if you were sure and you said yes, but you broke my heart when I woke up and you weren’t next to me. I thought I was going to go crazy walking around all night out there. I wanted to come home so badly, but I was too scared that you were going to tell me something that I couldn’t bear to hear. I’m not going to try to talk you into being with me. You’re going to have to decide that on your own.”

“I panicked when you left,” Dan says softly. “I’d never seen you that angry before. I thought that everything was over…that you would come back, pack a bag, and that would be it. I need you, Phil.” 

“I need you too,” Phil says gingerly. He leans in and gives Dan a tender kiss on the lips. “But are you absolutely sure you want this?”


	22. 9:00 am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: The last chapter is a little smutty, so if you don't enjoy that sort of thing you may want to skip down to the last paragraph!

“I want this, and I want you.”

Before Phil has a chance to consider Dan’s answer, Dan captures his mouth in an insistent kiss. Phil’s body instantly heats, but Dan pulls away and looks up at him with big vulnerable eyes, waiting to see if he’s going to be rejected. Phil’s heart melts at the sight of him standing there anticipating his reaction. He cups Dan’s face in his hands and kisses him gently before he deepens the kiss, his tongue against Dan’s. The intoxication is instant, and Dan responds with a moan. The sound completely unravels Phil and he backs Dan up firmly against the wall, which only elicits even louder noises from Dan. All of the hurt and fear from the night before dissipates as they lose themselves in the kiss.

Dan grabs the bottom of Phil’s shirt and stops the kiss only long enough for him to quickly tug it over Phil’s head and drop it on the floor. Phil fists Dan’s wavy hair with one hand and pulls his head back, exposing his neck. He nuzzles Dan’s neck with delicate kisses while Dan blindly starts to frantically work on the button of Phil’s jeans. He untangles his fingers from Dan’s hair and extricates himself slightly from Dan’s eager hands. 

“No! Why did you stop??” Dan asks deliriously as he reaches forward and hastily continues to work on Phil’s zipper.

“Dan! You’re moving awfully fast….” Phil murmurs, as he struggles to keep Dan’s grabby hands from yanking down his jeans. “Shouldn’t we at least slow down and enjoy it a little?”

“No!” Dan pouts, not giving up on the stubborn zipper. Suddenly, he stops and a grin appears on his face. With hooded eyes, he leans forward until his lips are next to Phil’s ear. “Is it so wrong that I want to fool around with my boyfriend?”

A surprised gasp escapes from Phil’s mouth, causing him to forget all about Dan’s roaming hands. “Is that what you want? For us to be boyfriends? Or is this just a diversion so you can get me out of my pants?”

“Both,” Dan says sweetly. “I want it to be official, and that means being boyfriends. If we’re going to do this, I think we should go all in.”

Hearing Dan say he wants to be his boyfriend causes all of the blood in Phil’s body to run south, but then he tries not to laugh when he realizes that while he was distracted, Dan had managed to win his battle with the zipper and is now trying to casually ease Phil’s skinny jeans down.

“You always get your way, don’t you?” Phil asks, swatting Dan’s hands away.

“Yes, thank god.”

Phil sighs and holds out his hand. Dan reaches forward and entwines his fingers and Phil tugs him forward, pulling him down the hallway to his room. As soon as they’re through the door, Dan is already pulling his own shirt up and over his head, dropping it pretty much in the same spot it was in last night. He forces Phil backward against the wall and leans into him, lightly biting down Phil’s neck as his hands impatiently explore his bare chest. Phil has his arms around him and his fingernails dig into his lower back as Dan sucks purple bruises on Phil’s neck and shoulder.

“Everyone is going to see those,” Phil reminds him between gasps. 

“Good,” Dan murmurs. “I want everyone to know.”

Phil has a feeling that Dan may regret that when he wakes up tomorrow and realizes that their filming schedule has been destroyed by hickeys, but right now, he couldn’t care less if they never made another video. All that matters right now is that an almost naked Dan is marking up his body. 

Phil pulls Dan’s face away from his neck and presses their lips together, pulling him into a slow, all consuming kiss. After a few minutes, Dan’s hands slide to Phil’s waist and start to push his jeans and boxers down with one hand as he palms him with his other one. Phil moans, dropping his head back with a light thud against the wall as Dan manages to get him out of the rest of his clothes. Now that he’s completely naked and still pressed up against the wall, Dan’s hands eagerly travel over his body with a newfound intensity. 

“And you’re absolutely sure?” Phil asks absently as he just leans back and enjoys the feeling of Dan’s body on his.

“Yes,” Dan answers, breathing heavily. “Besides, we’ve both been wanting this for years. How much longer should we wait?” he says as he struggles to pull down his own tight pants, eventually getting them down around his ankles, leaving him in just his black boxer briefs. Phil’s breath catches in his throat and he completely forgets anything he might have been objecting to as he watches Dan step out of his jeans. He’s seen Dan almost naked before, either shirtless or wrapped in a towel after a shower, but this is different. Very, very different. 

He grabs Dan’s arm and roughly pulls him against his body. Dan tilts his head and Phil kisses his neck gently before he runs his teeth over the sensitive skin and he bites down sharply on his collarbone, causing Dan to moan loudly. 

Much to Dan’s surprise, he can feel Phil smiling against his shoulder and hear him giggling.

“You’re laughing?” Dan asks in amazement. “What are you laughing at?”

“Nothing.”

“Phil.”

“I was just wondering if you were as loud in bed as all of the fanfictions say you are,” he answers sheepishly with a grin.

Dan closes his eyes and lays his head down on Phil’s shoulder, trying to hide his laughter. Once he composes himself, he looks back up at Phil and locks their eyes together, causing Phil’s giggles to dissolve.

“Well, how do you want to find out?”

Phil’s heart speeds up as Dan’s words sink in and any desire for their first time together to be slow and romantic is out the window. He doesn’t need to be asked twice as he takes a few steps causing Dan to stumble backward and sit down on the edge of the bed. 

Phil puts his hand on Dan’s chest and pushes him back so he’s lying down and then drops to his knees at the foot of the bed, leaning over and kissing Dan’s lower leg. Taking his time, he slowly works his way up, laying lazy kisses on Dan’s smooth skin as he goes. He glances up to find Dan flushed and watching. 

With his eyes locked on Dan’s face, he slowly rubs his hand over the bulge in his briefs before he reaches up and tugs them down, watching to see how he reacts. Dan responds with a low whimper and fists handfuls of the blankets. Phil wraps his hand around Dan’s hard member and starts to stroke him a little faster. Dan shuts his eyes and is bites his bottom lip, trying to suppress all of his noises. 

“Stop trying to be quiet,” Phil says roughly, still sitting between Dan’s legs. “I want to hear you.”

The sound of Phil’s lust filled voice alone causes him groan and reach forward and run his hand through Phil’s hair. Phil bends forward and nibbles and teases the sensitive skin on Dan’s upper thigh before he traces his tongue around the tip of his cock. He slowly slides his lips down and takes his entire length in his mouth. Dan arches his back and loudly cries out Phil’s name. With his hand that’s already buried in Phil’s hair, he urges his head gently down, pushing himself even further into Phil’s mouth. Phil shoves Dan’s hips down so can remain in complete control. Dan struggles to move, but his entire body feels like it is on fire and is completely overwhelmed with the feeling of Phil’s wet mouth on him. He pants for breath as Phil continues, alternately going fast and slow, causing needy sounds to pour out of Dan’s mouth.

“Phil,” he warns with a deep breath. “I’m going to finish if you keep doing that!” Phil responds by tightening his mouth a little harder around him as he moved up and down. Dan pushes Phil’s hands off of his hips so he can thrust harder into his mouth. 

His soft moans grow louder and more urgent as Phil increases his speed. Phil can feel Dan’s cock throb in his mouth right before he finally finds his release. He cries Phil’s name again as he cums into his mouth, whimpering as Phil works him through his orgasm. 

Phil crawls up to the top of the bed and pulls a still dazed Dan with him. He wraps himself around Dan, tugging the blankets up over them.

“Phil,” Dan says softly as he nuzzles his neck, “What do you want? I want you to feel good too.”

Phil pulls his head away a bit and just looks into Dan’s eyes as they lay with their bodies tangled, face to face on the pillows. “Tomorrow,” he whispers. “I just want this right now,” pulling Dan closer. 

“Are you sure?” Dan asks, surprised, but with his now sleepy eyes only halfway open. 

“Yes,” Phil answers, kissing Dan’s neck. “We have plenty of time. We’ve been up all night and I think we both need sleep. We can continue this in a few hours.”

“When you wake up, I’ll be right here next to you this time,” Dan murmurs happily, tilting his head up to softly kiss Phil’s before his eyes slide shut. “I promise,” Dan whispers. “I never want this to end.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally made it to the end! Thank you to everyone for putting up with all of the angst. I hope it was worth it!
> 
> I have to admit, this was really fun to write and I'm going to miss it! Another Phan story has just been started, so feel free to come over and read! 
> 
> <3 <3 <3


End file.
